To Display the Traits, You Have to Learn the Traits

On In Mala Fide, Joseph Dantes relates the stories of himself and a friend, and how they managed and mismanaged long-term relationships. He links to another blog which talks about balancing alpha and beta traits to maintain an LTR. (This isn’t unique to this blog, Athol Kay talks about this all the time, but this guy has a more analytical perspective on it.)

Briefly, Joseph manages to maintain his live-in relationship, despite quitting his job, and his friend Sam fails. Joseph makes a very important observation here, which is that while he comes from a healthy family environment, and can comfortably perform the beta aspect of a relationship, Sam does not and cannot.

I hate it when guys rip on betaness. 80% of enjoyable human life is based on betaness. Kindness, affection, caring, and even dependence are nothing to be scorned or feared, but rather to be embraced and treasured. Just because they aren’t everything doesn’t mean they are nothing, quite the opposite, the whole point of alphaness is to enable yourself to enjoy betaness.

Or I think it is for most guys; for me anyway. Some guys learn alpha traits without every learning beta traits. My semi-natural friend Carl is like this. His parents were both pretty type A people and his dad walked out when he was 14. He gets laid easily but has really bonded to only one woman, whom he met while working overseas after he was married. But he wouldn’t leave his wife- who he does not love, at least in the way I think of as love. I knew another guy, who had a very rough, nasty, type A, high-testosterone father, successful but a real asshole, who went through a lot of women. I suspect Roissy falls into this category also, but I don’t know his family history. Sam seems to be an extreme example of this, unusual in that he was an AFC, but learned game and got a lot of women.

This brings me back to myself, omegas, and students of game in general. I think of myself as a nice person, but maybe I’m not. I don’t like or trust many people- hardly any people really- and I’m suspicious of kindness, niceness, and charity, which from the way my mother believed in them seemed like sucker’s games. I’m capable of being very kind and tender but this is something I am very reserved with. My sister has some trouble with her employees, who seem to think she’s kind of difficult to work for and short-tempered. My sister is very giving with some people, who usually don’t deserve it from what I can tell, but she is locked in to the family rule of always putting others first and not looking after yourself.

Alpha behavior has a lot of value. It’s necessary to get what you want and avoid being manipulated by other people. But by itself it won’t allow you to enjoy warmth and closeness with other people. A guy with good beta traits but poor alpha traits will have good relationships with people, but without any control. A guy with good alpha traits but poor beta traits will be successful at getting what he wants from people, including sex from women, but will be frustrated in forming strong emotional bonds.

If you have neither, you are in a bit of a pickle. If you don’t have an avoidant personality, alpha traits- at least on some level- aren’t hard to learn. You have to deal with a lot of failure and rejection from women, but if you frame it as a learning experience and don’t care, it’s only a matter of a little practice. My big barrier in learning game is my avoidance.

Learning beta behavior? Trusting and opening up to others? Being appropriately caring, supportive and empathetic with others? I don’t know how you learn that as an adult. You are supposed to learn these things in your family of origin. If you don’t you are likely to see all these things as negatives, “acting beta” in the horrified observation of game practitioners, when being beta is a necessity of normal, healthy relationships. I get the feeling I have done a lot of uncaring asshole game completely without meaning it.

All I can say is, don’t be afraid of being beta when it seems socially appropriate. If your behavior with a woman- or other person- is fundamentally alpha in a positive way, that is assertive and self-respectful, you can show empathy and kindness and it will not only not harm you, it will benefit both you and the other person.

12 Responses to To Display the Traits, You Have to Learn the Traits

  1. Thoughtful blog. Thanks …

  2. Candice says:

    “All I can say is, don’t be afraid of being beta when it seems socially appropriate. If your behavior with a woman- or other person- is fundamentally alpha in a positive way, that is assertive and self-respectful, you can show empathy and kindness and it will not only not harm you, it will benefit both you and the other person.”

    I do like this advice and also the way it summarises “alpha” behaviour. It seems some people think being alpha is being dominant and bossy with little regard for the other party. Certainly I’ve seen men careful not to display the caring side in front of their men mates.

    I’m still pondering the “learning of the trait” aspect of your post. It seems that some traits are hardwired (due to genes) and others are learned (or not learned). I’m trying to tease out the difference in a meaningful way for myself.

    Thanks for a very thought provoking article. 🙂 C

    • I think people are genetically endowed with a range of behavior they can learn, whether they be beta traits such as empathy and agreeableness or alpha traits such as aggression and social dominance. Ideally people would be well-socialized to display the most appropriate behavior to the ideal extent in any situation, but good socialization is hard to come by.

      I think alpha traits are easier to learn because they are goal-oriented. You decide what you want, then do what you need to do to get it. Beta traits are more about boundaries, which are a lot more vague- I can have either a lot of empathy for someone, or none, but the in-between is confusing for me.

      • Mahoney (the key board warrior) says:

        dThe superiority of beta traits versus omega traits becomes even more obvious when viewed in the larger context of a persons life. Compared to Omegas, Betas often thrive in many other areas of life, in terms of work, making friends and pursuing there own personal goals, they simply struggle with women. Its been a revelation to me to realize that my social retardation has not simply caused me to fail with women but put me in a position where I have no friends and no idea how to get any, I can’t hold down a job and I can’t pursue any of my goals. Its not all about pussy. I think I might even prefer having several friendships that enriched my life, than simply having a hole to stick my penis in. Again, for all those who would call me strange for saying that probably haven’t spent the last five years with no social interaction whatsoever. What a life it is to be an omega! Yes, after this I’m convinced that I must completely abandon this alpha idealization bullshit and strive to be a beta, and I’m simply defining beta as average. I now strive to function in this world as a normal human male and not somebody crippled with social anxieties and inferiority/persecution complexes.

      • Candice says:

        Omega you said “I think people are genetically endowed with a range of behavior they can learn, whether they be beta traits such as empathy and agreeableness or alpha traits such as aggression and social dominance.” I agree – and trying to be what you are not is pretty hard. i think we need to recognise where we have an advantage and leverage that and just aim for passable in the rest. For example, I see people in high positions that are low on people skills – it seems their other abilities make up for it.

        I think I was given a huge heap of beta traits and hardly any of the alpha. Being assertive for me is pretty hard! Consequently, I don’t seek leadership. Omega, maybe, you just have to adjust to being able to read some people and not read others. Then use strategies such as asking questions to find out what you need from the ones you cannot read. For example, as close as Billy and I are, he shuts me out at times and is generally hard to read (extreme introvert, vastly smart, can throw up the shutters on his soul very easily). At these times I just say, “sorry, I can’t read you, what do you feel about ….”.

  3. Loser dude says:

    Interesting point about “learning” to be beta, and imitating beta traits. Kind of the same way PUAs try to train betas to imitate alphas. Fake it till you make it. Perhaps the real game for omegas, is learning how to fake beta. I think being part of the Roissysphre, and the apocalyptic visions might make us forget how good the betas really have it. But we’re so brainwashed that even as omegas, we’re dismissive of betas and think we can jump to alphas. For most average Americans, life hasn’t been such an apocalypse since the 70s. Most folks still get married, have kids and live some watered-down version of the middle class American dream. A commentator at halfsigma compared the PUAs to Stormfront, in the sense that both try to scare white middle class betas into thinking they’re going to lose their women either to minorities or alphas. When really, for all the trouble in the world, betas don’t have to be all THAT fearful. So yeah, speaking for myself as an omega virgin loser, betaness would be a huge step up for me, and maybe I oughta learn a few beta tricks. My life has been too exciting with disasters. I would enjoy nice boring betatude.

    • Mahoney (the keyboard warrior) says:

      I second that motion! I sometimes feel its redundant for the manosphere heavies to constantly expound of the fact that women “HATE HATE HATE the beta male” when they so enthusiastically rip their fellow men to shreds should they dare to display a hint of beta male behavior. I am not trying to defend betas, but only to say that men are most certainly no slouches in the beta male hating department. I believe that if its true that men are morally superior to women it certainly isn’t by a wide margin. As a fellow omega virgin I can attest that becoming a beta male would be a monumental step forward for us. I’d give everything short of my soul to rise those crucial steps up the ladder. I feel that omegas are usually so deficient socially and emotionally that trying to act “alpha” will mostly only lead to humiliation and failure because they lack the very basic fundamentals. We have yet to learn how to bicycle with the training wheels on, so we sure as fuck can’t handle the scrapped knees that two wheels would bring us. I think we’d be better pressed learning basic social skills and trying to function in the world as a normal human being, and if were successful in that endeavor we can take it from there.

      I’m not saying its impossible for us to become alphas, but we sure as fuck won’t do it before we can truly become betas. One step at a time. Cunts posing as “former omegas” don’t know jack shit, if you were able to overcome this shit in some sort of rapid transition then you never were a fucking omega to begin with!

      Attention GFO! It’s mandatory that all omegas listen to this song:

      And for any faggots out there who doubt the truth of my comment think about this. Beta is average. Omegas are below average. Imagine you’re a man with a 3 inch erect penis. Now imagine how much better than man would feel with a six inch erect penis, sure he’d rather a 10 inch erect penis, but those extra three inches is still a vast improvement. Get it fools?

      • Mystery talks about building both comfort- based on beta qualities such as friendliness, likeability, and warmth, and attraction- based on alpha qualities like aggressiveness, strength, and dominance.

        If you have low social status, or have grown up in a hostile environment, being calm, relaxed, and friendly around other people is very hard. It takes me a long, long time to relax around other people and trust them not to hurt me. I’m going to try telling myself, “This person is ok. They don’t have anything against me, they want to be friendly.” I think the only way to deal with this is to have positive experiences with people, so you have a reserve of good feelings to fall back on when you get an uncomfortable rejection. If you come from a solid beta environment, going out and getting blown off by a bunch of women might help you learn approaches; if you don’t have that sense of love and belonging to fall back on it’s just going to be painful and discouraging.

        This is a difficult thing to deal with, no question about it.

    • Mahoney (the key board warrior) says:

      Would you rather be a man with a girlfreind but your fucking whipped, or a man who was so repulsive to women that you went you entire life without any intimate female contact?

  4. […] Omega Man – “Happy Anniversary“, “To Display the Traits, You Have to Learn the Traits” […]

  5. Candice says:

    I don’t totally understand all this alpha, beta and omega stuff yet. i wonder if its the tendancy to categorise gone completely wild!

    I do agree that all should be respected. I cannot see what is wrong with comfort and warmth (beta). On the other hand, dominance and agression really put me off (see it – back off) while self-respect, respect for others and assertiveness are attractive. I’ve not yet worked out the omega business – I am assuming that an omega person lacks social skills or confidence and perceives themselves to be low status.

    I was an abused child, so I can understand how this feeds into social dysfunction. I had almost no friends as a teenager and showed signs of mental illness. I was once very outgoing and confident – that was beaten out of me. Even now, I catch myself cowering. My manager takes my timidity into account – which is nice – but it will probably also limit my progression. Awesome promises a book that will help, but has not yet provided it.

    It took me years to think though the past and leave it behind. Then, I built my confidence step by step through self development and attempting feasible steps. Do you think all this emphasis on picking up ladies is just too upsetting and demoralising as most requests will be refused? Would not friendship be a better and more achievable goal?

    Lately I have found repeating affirmative statements to myself helpful. I found even more success when I realised my fundamental need was safety – now I repeat “you are safe”. It helps. I feel more settled and therefore can manage to do more things with confidence and make less mistakes when speaking.

    Mahoney and Omegaman – I’ve developed a deep respect for your opinions and insights – if you want to be friends with me say so here and we’ll work out a way to share email addresses. 🙂 C

  6. Jennifer says:

    Brilliant post! Very nice blog indeed 🙂

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