Client Control And Women

January 23, 2011

Lawyers have something they call “client control”, and I have heard the term used by real estate agents as well. By this they mean the client follows the course of action they recommend. Lawyers often deal with emotional people who don’t understand what the attorney can and cannot realistically do for them. In some situations this is easy- they just tell the person they can’t do anything, that they have no case. Other times I suppose it is a lot harder- the client may want his lawyer to file a suit immediately, when a sternly worded letter is the best course of action. Or send a sternly worded letter, when a polite letter is better. In any case, the relationship is a success from the attorney’s standpoint if the client remains calm, takes his advice, accepts the outcome, is grateful for the attorney’s work, and pays his bill promptly.

I find this need for control very much present in relationships. The ideal alpha male we are all supposed to strive to be controls the emotions of the woman he is involved with- he doesn’t let her negative emotions spiral out of control and hurt him or hurt the relationship.

This is particularly difficult as the modern woman seems to have no ability or desire to control her emotions. Women universally believe- because they read it in Cosmo or some self-help book- that they need to express all their emotions, particularly to men they are involved with. Just sort of dump everything out there, but especially negative emotions like anger, dissatisfaction and disappointment.

This was what doomed my relationship with my first foreign girlfriend. She had a fairly aggressive personality, and was inclined to word ambushing or word dumping. My Spanish ability was more limited then, so in conversation I would be totally overwhelmed; I couldn’t understand her words, which put me on the back foot to begin with with dealing with her emotions. And she was a pretty angry person, and unfortunately inclined to take it out on me. The poor doofus omega boyfriend tends to be the one safe person to dump on.

A successful relationship then depends on the man’s ability to control his own emotions, because he must be able to control the woman’s emotions. My current foreign girlfriend is more educated, higher class, and not fundamentally angry like the previous one was. But she still unleashes her anger, disappointment and dissatisfaction with me on occasion, and I get tired of trying to reassure her, even though I’m sometimes successful at it. The only thing I can think of is these episodes must be clipped in the bud, harshly if need be. No alpha has to put up with his girlfriend bitching extensively.


Extroversion And Conversation

January 20, 2011

The current Maxim has an article about TV chef Guy Fieri. As you might expect he’s a big BS artist, a super outgoing extrovert. Many people of this sort don’t have any hard skills; they make a living in sales or management positions. Fieri however has a specific skill, cooking. His first restaurant was a big success; his extraversion probably helped this a great deal, in motivating employees and making customers happy, but the food must have been very good also; a restaurant does not thrive without good food.

My guess is that while cooks aren’t usually highly extroverted, they aren’t highly introverted either; it’s a job that requires working closely with other people in a “fast-paced environment” as the job ads like to say (which means a lot of people screaming at you) so that requires more people orientation than a strong introvert, who usually likes quiet and order, has. Introverts tend to gravitate to positions with hard, technical skills

And yet are introverts anti-social? I don’t think so. Often they’re pretty interesting to talk to. However, this requires you get the ball rolling. “Getting the ball rolling” conversation-wise is a key skill of extroverts.

To get the ball rolling, you don’t actually need to be an extrovert; but you need to be able to act like one for a few minutes. Conversational skills material teaches simple methods for initiating and continuing conversations; opening with a question or a comment, asking open-ended questions, sharing personal information. All these are good but I think intangibles like energy are what make it really work. Maybe this is what Dale Carnegie means by being genuinely interested in others.

I’m going to try talking to people, but trying to pump it up, put some more energy into it and see if I can get a more enthusiastic reaction from people.

I did a few days of temporary work for the guy I was talking to around Christmas; but he was a bad guy and we didn’t get along. I’m pretty discouraged as I had high hopes for that turning into a decent permanent job. I was a little shell-shocked late last week and early this week but I’m trying to get back on the horse.

A Conversation And A Thought

January 8, 2011

I was at the coffee shop yesterday afternoon- I usually go to coffee shops in the afternoon to get out of the house- and I was sitting at one of the large tables, because the wifi wasn’t working on the other side.

A nice looking woman, I’m guessing in her 50’s, came in and sat down, and got some books and magazines out of her bag and started making some notes. I thought this would be a good opportunity to start a conversation, but I wasn’t sure what to say. The book was a textbook on fitness training so I thought about saying something about that, but I still wasn’t sure. To reduce the risk to myself, I got up, put my stuff away, and then asked her “What are you working on?”

She said she was studying to be a personal trainer, and we talked about that a bit. As often happens when I start a conversation, she was quite willing to talk and more willing to continue than I was. I let the conversation stop, to see if she was interested in continuing. She asked me “What are you working on?” and I told her “Nothing right now” and explained I was waiting to hear about a job. She said “Good luck!” and ended it like that.

Part was I suppose I looked like I was ready to go; however I shouldn’t have said what I did. I believe it is a “demonstration of lower value” to say you aren’t doing anything and don’t have a job. I told my craigslist hookup my situation and she mulled it over pretty hard- she didn’t say anything but I could see the gears turning in her head- and she was an unattractive middle-aged woman, and we were only getting together for sex. I will have to come up with the happy spin for my situation. It would have been nice to talk a little more and maybe get her number- she had no ring on- but at least I talked to her a bit. For me that is an accomplishment. If I would do this more than once every few weeks, I might get somewhere.

I am in another coffee shop this afternoon- I like to rotate a bit, I don’t want to become one of the weirdos I see all the time at my main coffee shop- and next to me in line was another nice-looking woman in her 50’s. She was not getting coffee, but a bag of beans. I wanted to talk to her also, but beyond asking her what kind of coffee beans I couldn’t think of anything. That probably would have been fine though.

As I was checking out I saw some individual pies in the bakery case, kind of like the Hostess fruit pies. I immediately started thinking of various rude jokes that can be made on the subject of “pie” (a slang term for the female genitalia for the unfamiliar.) I then further thought of Assanova’s insistence that one be a good conversationalist, and it occurred to me maybe lots of guys aren’t good conversationalists with women because they spend most of their time in ribald conversation with other guys, friends and acquaintances. I love obscene joking, and I know what is and isn’t appropriate, but I don’t know if I can have a conversation with a woman that is fun and stimulating as well as polite and appropriate. Yet another thing to work on! I think I need to develop a little more confidence with polite, dull conversations first.

The Strange Life Of Naturals

January 6, 2011

I have a friend who is a natural- he doesn’t get the hottest women, in fact he often has sex with ugly ones, but he is rarely without a “friend with benefits” as we now call them. He told me a story recently that I think illustrates a fundamental difference between naturals and other men.

Long ago, when he was a kid, he wanted to buy a tape recorder. He saved up his money and went to the store. The lady behind the electronics counter told him the one he wanted for $20 was sold out, but there was another one for $50, which she showed him. He thanked her but said he only had the money for the $20 model. She tells him, “Meet me in back of the fabric store in 20 minutes.” He was familiar with the fabric store, as his mom bought fabric there, and remembered the big stacks of fabric made for privacy in the back. He meets her there and she produces the $50 tape recorder and gives it to him, for nothing. He thanks her, and she asks him if he wants to come back to her apartment and hang out. “The problem”, he told me, breaking into laughter, “was that I had not yet reached puberty.” He declined, due to an inability to perform sexually, but she was cool with it and he went home with his tape recorder.

I had a junior-high teacher who may have been putting the moves on me (a woman) but I have never had that kind of sexual aggression from women. His college girlfriend made the first move with him, pretty directly as I remember. I believe there is something biologically different about naturals, probably a higher level of testosterone among other things. The prepubescent pickup my friend experienced can’t be explained by his testosterone level, because he hadn’t hit puberty yet, but his father was a super Type A guy who got a lot of women, which makes me think it’s genetic/biological.

Hanging out with naturals won’t get you laid. I have tried it. You can’t model naturals because they don’t do anything. You can’t ask them to explain what they do because they don’t do anything and if they did, they wouldn’t be able to explain it.

You have to take naturals out of the equation, because comparing yourself to them is frustrating and not realistic in any case.

My Inner Ferdinand Bardimu Is Roused……..

January 5, 2011

The princess boy story came and went a few months ago. Or actually it was another princess boy, some kid who was Daphne of “Scooby Doo” for Halloween. (His first problem is watching that brain-dead cartoon.) In any case the latest princess boy is out today-

I’m pretty pissed about the homosexualization of America, and the current witch hunt/purge against the unfortunate carrier captain, but I can only laugh cruelly at this, at these retarded parents, but also at the retarded child, it seems a stretch to call him a “boy”. If his parents are too stupid to know a child with a penis can’t be a princess, he himself ought to have some kind inborn sense of such things.

As Oscar Wilde- a bit of a princess boy himself, although he had the good taste not to wear tutus, said- “You would have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.”

I will make a partial defense of nerds here. Comedian Patton Oswalt wrote an article on what he sees as the death of geek culture-

All the stuff he talks about is a waste of time. And it’s not harmless either- I’ve watched my sister waste her life on this stuff. If you’re really into “Star Wars” you’re stupid, because it’s wooden and lame to anyone over 16. But at least it doesn’t involve little boys wearing dresses and being praised on national TV for it. 

If I ever see the kid, I can’t guarantee I won’t yell “HEY FAGGOT!!!” Being introverted and intellectual is not gay; wearing sparkly pink dresses, yeah, that’s gay. Call ’em like you see ’em.

Approach Anxiety on Emotional Neediness

January 4, 2011

Approach Anxiety does a mind experiment about what you might expect from a woman you see-

Trying to get something from a source that can’t provide it is a recipe for frustration and disappointment. But it seems to represent some kind of human impulse. Think of the joke about the guy who’s looking for his wallet under the street light because it’s brighter there- if it didn’t represent a common emotional drive, it wouldn’t be funny. But people are like that.

This ties in with the sticky subject of confidence. If people have treated you well all your life, you will be inclined to expect they are going to continue to treat you well. It sets up a positive expectation, which is helpful in dealing with people. If people have treated you poorly, you will be inclined to expect they continue to treat you poorly, which sets up a negative expectation, which is a problem. You will want to isolate yourself, but you still have unmet emotional needs. If you approach a woman, both these things come into play, as described above.

A guy I knew once described his approach to life as looking for buried treasures. I think this is a pretty helpful strategy. You have a hopeful expectation, but won’t be disappointed if you don’t find what you’re looking for, but really happy if you do.

The Dilbert Blog On Confidence

January 4, 2011

Scott Adams, author of Dilbert, has some comments on confidence, and how it’s really just an illusion-

This is all very true. I don’t really like the part about the trick though; you can’t really trick your mind. I think it is most helpful to have a view of yourself that falls on the high side of realistic, with a decent margin inside the range of plausibility. I read a psychiatrist once describing denial as “generally a healthy quality.” We need a little illusion to get through the day.

We can generalize from a situation, sometimes reasonably, sometimes not. If you do something well, you can think “I did that well, and I can probably do it well again.” Or you could think, “That was just luck, I probably won’t do that well again.” Same thing with a bad situation.

I generalize a lot of negative things about situations and people. I know I shouldn’t but it’s unconscious, or maybe better stated “pre-conscious.”