Things My Bullies Taught Me

About a year ago I took the Transcendental Meditation course. It was recommended to me by a former boss who thought it might help me relax. It’s not cheap- it’s $1500, although being unemployed at the time I was able to get a “scholarship” and do it for $750. I haven’t done it regularly, but when I do do it I believe it helps clear my head and think more creatively about things.

I have been doing a TM session in the morning, followed by the Paul McKenna confidence hypnosis track. It has gotten me thinking about a variety of things, including the need to revisit my personal history.

McKenna does “neurolinguistic programming”, which was real popular in the 90’s and claimed as the source of his power by the original PUA guru, Ross Jeffries. One thing NLP hypnotists did back in the day was “personal histories”- if a person had had a bad life, they would hypnotize them to think they had a different, much better life. At some point NLP originator Richard Bandler said this was a bad idea- you learn valuable lessons from your life even if it was bad, and wiping out all your memory could have a bad consequence.

Still I think you need to have a positive perspective on your life, to think of yourself as a survivor rather than a victim, and to place the blame on the people who hurt you for being bad, not on yourself for being unable to respond better. With that in mind I’m revisiting my personal history. On some level I would like to move on from this, once and for all. But I keep getting called back to it, so I guess I’m not done with it yet.

This lady had a real bad experience in school, in some ways similar to mine, and it affected her for many years-

http://www.canisitwithyou.org/2010/04/16/the-lessons-my-bullies-taught-me/

Here is what her bullies taught her, and my bullies wanted to teach me, but this is what I decided-

-I don’t matter. My suffering is not important.

It’s not important, I am not important to you, but I’m important to myself. I am for myself and on my own side.

-I am socially unacceptable, worthy only of rejection.

You don’t like me, but you are not everybody, or even most people. You are just a stupid child, obsessed with stupid TV shows, stupid sports and stupid clothes.

-I’m weak, a loser, destined to be a social bottom-feeder, or worse, absolutely alone.

I don’t receive your friendship or the friendship of people like you but I don’t want it. Like I said, you’re stupid, and obsessed with stupid things, and I can barely stand to talk with you for more than a few minutes.

-The best I can hope for, in my relationships with others, is to be left alone.

My goal in dealing with you is to be left alone, for the reasons previously stated. I’ll deal with you on a keep-it-business basis, so we can do business if we need to, but I’m not interested in having a personal relationship with you or any other stupid, boring, petty person. I am only interested in having relationships with people who are interesting and add something to my life.

-I am a fundamentally unlikeable person.

You don’t like me, but you are not everybody, as I said before. People who are not morons like me.

The things her (and my) adults taught, or tried to teach me-

-I’m unworthy of help.

You don’t want to help me, so I’m on my own. I’ll deal with life and my problems as I see fit. I reject your idiotic, self-destructive strategies for dealing with life, including your nancy-boy religion. I’m on my own and I know it.

-To identify or talk about a problem is to whine or feel sorry for myself.

Strangely, other peoples’ problems are extremely important to you, and you rush to help them. But I’ve received the message, only I want to help myself, only I will help myself, and I will.

-When I ask for help, I will not get it.

So I’ll stop asking for help, I’ll just help myself and do my own thing. Screw you.

-The way other people behave toward me, no matter how bad, is my fault.

This one I have trouble with. I don’t know how to deal with stupid, malicious people, like my recent boss. I don’t hold myself responsible for their behavior, but I have to learn to cope better, for my own survival.

-I am a fundamentally unlikeable person.

Again, you don’t like me, but I don’t like you either.

I guess I don’t have to relate to people as an inferior. I can manage my contacts with people for what I want- a business relationship to make money, shared interests for friendship, shared emotion for romance. I have trouble not painting everybody with a broad brush. The question is who do I take a risk with? Who do I open up to? I still need to work on that.

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3 Responses to Things My Bullies Taught Me

  1. Default User says:

    Your attitude seems healthy.

    As I understand NLP, it is about recognizing the representations of memories and thoughts.

    When you think of prior bad experiences or imagine future bad experiences you create pictures, feelings, sounds, etc. Those self-generated representations are what cause pain.

    Good, pleasurable, or even neutral memories generate different representations. The idea is not to forget the less pleasant memories but to replace the representations of them with more neutral ones. So the memory remains but the discomfort has gone.

    Regarding taking risks with others: perhaps the point is realize that you can handle it even if the assumed risk turns out to be true. Using NLP you would imagine yourself easily able to handle whatever outcome happens. You do not need to assume the best; you do not need to assume the worst; just assume you can handle the result.

  2. Nestorius says:

    One of the best answers you can tell the bullies is: “eat shit!” It will show them their own value.

  3. kalushkin says:

    The part about her story I don’t like, is that she so easily forgave her bully. I mean she sends her a facebook message and all of a sudden everything is right with the world. I would never be able to do that with my bullies. The only reason why she is sending the message is because she wants to assuage her own conscience and be a better mother for her own child, not to really make the victim feel better.

    Just would not be able to forgive someone for a lifetime of trauma caused, because they sent me a pity letter on facebook.

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