An Important Point From Assanova

November 27, 2010

Assanova talks about the importance of romance-

Briefly he says many guys have little idea how to be romantic with a woman, since they spend all their time watching sports or action movies, and have not seen much of the kind of romance that women like as shown in romantic movies and soap operas.

Being romantic with a woman is regarded as poison in the gameosphere. It is ridiculed as totally beta, wimpy, pathetic, etc. If you don’t show the appropriate level of male strength, this is true. But woman also respond to romance, and if you have both I think you will have the full package.

Assanova seems to be a born alpha, and I don’t think he has ever experienced the fear and insecurity of showing emotion that low status guys have. My comment was-

“Typically guys without game understand, and have experienced a bit, that if you show romance to women with male status they will be indifferent to repelled. Going the opposite way- all alpha, possibly asshole- seems like the answer. And yet these guys still want to express romantic feelings to a woman, and have them reciprocated, so the philosophy of game leaves them cold on another level, and they can’t really execute it due to lack of commitment.

Omega guys are excluded from the men’s world, and they feel like if they get involved in the feelings world they will be perceived as gay, so they tend to retreat into a world of science, computers, and entertainment based on science and computers. (My own father has degrees in hard science and computer science.) I rebelled against that and got into the world of action and machines.

Using game is pretty intimidating and difficult for omegas, but showing emotional vulnerability can de terrifying. But I suppose learning a balance to these things is essential.”

Among the terrible things about abuse and domination is that it stunts people emotionally. If you can’t express your emotions, if you have to suppress them all the time- positive as well as negative- you can’t grow emotionally. Weak people are punished for showing happiness, enthusiasm, and joy as well as anger and sadness, because the powerful don’t want them to be happy either.

We have a culture, particularly amongst intelligent people, of cynicism, irony, and contempt for things and people not cynical and ironic. I know as much as I need to learn strength and security, I also need to learn happiness and openness.

The only other guy to talk about balance is Married Man Sex Life. He does it in the context of being married, but it applies to all relationships with women and life in general.


More On The Confidence Book

November 27, 2010

I have been going through this more, and I got to thinking what is usually called “confidence” is projecting a certain kind of image.

This image is typified by salesmen- outgoing, social, conventional, a bit superior. And I’m not like this at all, and I don’t really want to project this image.

However the author says he doesn’t want you to project this, he wants you to project your “true self”. Frankly I’m a little afraid to project my true self. My true self is a little weird, has kind of a short attention span, needs constant novel stimulation, has a dry sense of humor a lot of people don’t get, and is kind of a dick sometimes.

A change of strategy can’t hurt though. I usually try to be very conservative, careful and polite with people but my frustration and unhappiness show through and they think worse of me than if I had been my natural self.

The author also tends to treat fear in the same manner as cognitive therapists- “foolish irrational thoughts easily dismissed’ but at least without adding “unless you are stupid and lazy” as they typically do. I have real experiences that account for my discomfort, but I do realize I can’t be subjected to the kind of treatment I was as a child.

Relation-Oriented Vs. Anxiety-Oriented Relating

November 27, 2010

Anxiety-oriented relating is a behavioral strategy that comes from living in a hostile environment, such as a dysfunctional family, a bad school, or a prison. It involves controlling interaction with others to avoid conflict and danger. It can include minimizing verbal communication, avoiding eye contact, suppressing the feeling and display of emotions, and maintaining a rigid facial mask.

Psychologists may call this “avoidant personality disorder” but it’s simply a rational response to being around people who are likely to attack you with little of no provocation. You can’t avoid an attack without any provocation, but if you make yourself as low-profile as possible you avoid drawing attention to yourself.

The typical attitude toward this is that it’s stupid, and you should just get over it. The truth is as an adult you don’t really need it, but untraining yourself is not that easy.

Talking to strange people is pretty difficult for me, but I have been trying it a bit recently with good results. I make an offhand comment that doesn’t require any response, really, but usually people give me a response and a bit more.

I’m not sure what the normal strategy is, or even what exactly to call it, but relation-oriented relating is the best I can come up with. You assume the person is not a threat, and you can relate to them on at least a casual level. I want to try this a little more and then work up to cold approaches.

Female Sexual Resistance

November 19, 2010

With a tip of the hat to Ferdinand Bardimu, here is a young woman talking about sexually bonding with her husband, whom she married as a virgin-

Note she mentions her “virgin defense shield” mentions her “years of good-girlism” and a bit surprisingly, that sex still hurts.

I have theorized that women have both a biologically-based and a socially-based program for resisting sex-

Assanova has recently commented how much easier it is to get women with a lot of sexual experience and more unconventional experience to have sex, as compared to the flakiness and resistance of normal women-

The woman in the first example had a lot of anti-sex programming, which even while she’s functioning within the dictates of her religion- she is having sex with her husband, having been a virgin at marriage- still significantly affects her. Women will have widely varying levels of sexual resistance, depending on their socialization, personal experiences, and total sexual experience.

Women are pretty frustrating- at least for me- but it helps to remember she is going through a long process of deciding whether she is going to have sex with you, which involves all kinds of personal issues for her. Patience and relaxation are required, as always.

Expanding Your Comfort Zone- Sports and Hobbies

November 18, 2010

Sports are a big part of socialization and bonding. Ideally children participate in team sports and absorb various lessons about dealing with others. As a person of low status, it’s probable you didn’t have this experience. Can you get this experience as an adult?

My experience with this is mixed. Going into high school I wanted to have the experience of playing on a team, so I got into a sport not played outside of high school, with the idea that nobody else had played it either so I wouldn’t be too far behind. It was a mixed experience- I guess I got a lot out of it, but lacking the ability to make friends or deal with aggressive people I didn’t really enjoy it. I should have stuck with it, but I didn’t.

More recently I tried some adult leagues. One was soccer- I figured that was enough of a casual sport that it would be more about having fun, but instead it was a lot of people who were soccer fanatics and really good. Another was flag football, and this was more fun, although even though it was more casual my lack of athletic skill handicapped me. It was broadening though- there was one guy who I thought was kind of a dick. He was hypercompetitive, and even took a knee to run down the clock late in games, which violated an unwritten rule. One night only me and him showed up, so we played catch for a while. He turned out to be OK. Another was kickball, which was totally casual but not very social- people came to the game and left, while with football we had beers afterwards sometimes. I also was in a golf league, where you had a lesson and then played nine holes. The people here ranged from indifferent to unfriendly mostly.

These can be fun, but as you can see, sometimes people will be more into the sport than just having fun, and it may not be enjoyable. Work leagues may be perilous, but it probably won’t hurt to show up and see how it goes. I was really to old for these leagues, they were targeted to people in their 20’s and I was already in my 40’s. Anyway, experiment, see how it goes, and don’t worry about it too much.

A lot of other activities are good ways to get out without having to do too much exertion or show too much athletic skill. I have always enjoyed sailing. Sailing classes are fun. I had one disturbing experience in a sailing class which I’ll relate at some point. I crewed a few times on a big racing yacht, but the yelling and screaming didn’t appeal to me. I raced in a club small boat league a couple of times, another thing I wish I had done more. But if you can sail a boat, and have access to one, you can take people sailing, which is pretty cool. I did this once in the military and it was a big hit. I’ve never done sailing as a date. It could be risky because she’s confined in a boat with you and may get seasick, but as a second or third date in calm water should be OK.

I have done some glider flying, and this is a big nerd hobby. One of the problems with it being a nerd hobby is if you go out to a club, you will be dealing with a bunch of engineers who won’t talk to you or look you in the eye- or this is my experience with one club anyway. Flying with a club is not expensive. And you can take a woman for a ride, again something I have not done yet but could be an excellent date.

Skydiving I suspect is a nerd hobby. I went once many years ago when they still used round chutes. I’m guessing it’s more fun now with the more maneuverable square chutes. I was younger then- I don’t know if I could still jump out of an airplane. But if you’re curious give it a try.

Motorcycles are at least on some level a nerd hobby. Anything dealing with machines is. The Motorcycle Safety Foundation offers classes most places where they provide the motorcycle, so you can try it out and get the license with minimal investment. If you want to play with it more you can get a 250cc starter bike for $2000 used easily, and ride that for a while.

The list could be longer but the point is, get out of the house and have new experiences. If you’ve always wanted to do something, do it. You’re not getting any younger and what you don’t enjoy today, you may not be able to enjoy tomorrow. When you’re a kid people want to embarrass you and give you a hard time if you’re doing something new and aren’t good at it, but as an adult people don’t do that.

More Criticisms of Nerds

November 16, 2010

Some more on Bardimu’s criticisms of nerds-

“Nerds can’t understand nuance”- this is closely related to defensiveness. A very basic rule of dealing with women is not to react too strongly to anything they do, good or bad. A woman may have a very negative reaction to you; you don’t really know why, much of the time. You may have said something inadvertently offensive to her; you may remind her of an ex; or it may be your pheromones. If you have some idea what it was, it’s a lesson for the next time, but if not, shrug it off. You may have a great second date, and be mentally preparing yourself to get some. But you may never get any response from her again. She got back with an ex, or met some other guy, or some friend of hers told her you were totally the wrong guy because she’s a Capricorn and you’re a Scorpio, or some shit. The point is a bad experience with one woman is no guarantee of a bad experience with another, and a good experience with one does not mean you will have more good experiences with her.

This rule applies to people in general as well. Things they do or say have a wide context, of which you are only a small part, and without understanding the whole context you can’t put a lot of weight on it, good or bad. Normal people have an easier time of this, because they have more social experience and can appreciate the meaning of different kinds of behavior better, and more relationships, so they do not put a lot of weight on any one.

The illusion of control- that you can do something, and make people like you or respond better to you- is comforting but dangerous. If you like somebody’s behavior, spend more time around them, if you don’t, avoid them to the extent possible, and when you must deal with them keep the interaction polite and distant. This is a good application of Skinner’s black box- you don’t care what’s inside it, only what comes out. Apply a filter to the behavior and a damper to your reaction to it.

“Nerds are obsessive”- this isn’t an entirely negative trait, but how much is too much? And what are you obsessed with? Being obsessed with video games is probably unhealthy. Being obsessed with working out can be unhealthy, but it’s probably a much better thing to be obsessed with. Some guys watch too much sports; that’s unhealthy, but it at least is something to talk about at work. I spend way too much time reading about politics on the internet, which I’m trying to cut down on. Healthy and relaxing hobbies are an important part of a quality lifestyle; time in front of a monitor or TV should be limited.

“Nerds are herd conformists”- this relates to a certain kind of nerd, which I don’t really relate to. I’m not a joiner, but if you are a member of any kind of a large group, you can decide if it applies to you or not. Are you looking for security and belonging? If the group is enjoyable, it’s probably beneficial, but if not, it may be a net negative.

“Nerds are lazy and cowardly”- Bardimu says that nerds stay strictly within their comfort zones, but this is true of most people. The problem a nerd would have is his comfort zone is usually small and restricted. Normal people get involved in activities with other people, particularly sports, or their parents share hobbies with them. If you did not have good parents, particularly an involved father, you may not have learned sports or other activities. It’s easy to leave a child alone with the TV, books or these days a computer. But these are not healthy activities, outside or quality content or small doses. (Some nerds love “Speed Racer”, which had to have been the most god-awful cartoon ever made. ) I think I will talk more about sports and hobbies later, but expanding your comfort zone is important.

The other part he mentions in this is the “butt-kicking babe” phenomenon, such as with Lara Croft. I think this is just strictly a fantasy; you can’t relate to women on this basis, as they won’t permit it. A butt-kicking babe, to the extent they exist, would only associate with guys even more butt-kicking, not any nerd. Seeking dominance or even emotional validation from women is indeed a dead-end, but it’s not quite the same thing.

“Nerds aren’t cool”- or specifically he means nerds don’t appreciate aesthetics. This is a handicap of a rationalist personality. On a simple, practical level this might be a problem with clothing or grooming. If you don’t see the point in wearing nice clothes, at least go by some guide like “Dress For Success” and be presentable. Clothes should fit, but better to be a little too loose than a little too tight. Hair for most guys should be short- few guys are willing to take the time necessary with long hair. A lot of what are typically called “hipsters” are really nerds, and self-expression through clothing and facial hair is a risky proposition for most people. As far as things like home decor go, if you can afford it you should have real furniture, not particle board stuff from IKEA.

The “nerd lifestyle” is something more fallen into than chosen. The point is not to adopt the lifestyle of normal people in toto, but to avoid displaying abnormality in ways that will make your life uncomfortable, and to expand your life into areas that will provide you with more enjoyment.

Christianity and Self-Esteem

November 9, 2010

I was raised in a strict Irish Catholic environment and was taught that others were more important and should always be put first- their wants, needs, and feelings. I formally rejected this at 13 but it has stayed with me all my life.

I read the Bible sometimes and while it’s a lot different that I was taught- it’s not all harsh and negative- it has a lot of harsh and difficult stuff in it. The core of hardline Christianity- which includes Baptists and traditional evangelicals as well as Catholics, but not the upper or middle class Protestant denominations- is in the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5 through 7, which starts with the Beatitudes and continues as one long statement. Highlights of this are- bad thoughts (sexual or violent) are the same as bad actions, no divorce is permissible, passively accept violence, pray for and love your enemies, do not judge others, few find salvation.

So, is it ok to value yourself? Or is self-love sinful? There is a lot of debate on what exactly this all means, but I have neither the sophistication nor the inclination to try to figure it all out. I have to value myself, to value myself more than I value others, for my happiness, well-being and functioning.