Walk On By

October 23, 2010

With a tip of the hat to Roissy- http://roissy.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/compare-and-contrast-two-bitter-ex-lovers/ and various others, as this has created a bit of a stir on the net, a man lashes out at his ex-girlfriend-

Dionne Warwick sang of the pain of a broken heart, and the necessity of not letting it show-

There is actually an alpha way to deal with getting dumped-

This is an old country song. Country songs are more emotionally realistic than white pop, as among poorer people pretention is both unnecessary and scorned. Is this alpha? I don’t know if Roissy would agree, but this guy says “hey, I enjoyed, it was great while it lasted. It’s gone now, but I wish it a fond farewell, for the good and the bad.” In the end you must say goodbye to everything, even life itself, and this is the only way to do it.

Tearing yourself up about the past is futile. You can probably look back and point to many mistakes you made, but lacking a time machine you can’t fix it. You can sometimes learn from your mistakes, but often you’ll never see that situation again so the lesson is pointless. Control is more often than not an illusion.

More to the point the weaker you are, the less anger it is socially permissible to show. One has to assume Seavey was dumped here. Had he tired of her he probably wouldn’t have said one word about it. Even if he wanted to get the better of her in some argument, he wouldn’t have mentioned it in any more than a very offhand way. As the loser here he is weak, and has to pretend it didn’t matter and he didn’t get hurt.

Is Seavey, as Roissy says, a hopeless case? Perspective is both easy and very hard to change. If you approach things from the viewpoint that they should be a certain way, as long as they are that way, you’ll be quite happy. And when they’re not, which is probably a lot more of the time, you’ll be pretty unhappy. If you approach things from the viewpoint that you prefer things a certain way, you can arrange to make them that way to the extent you can, but you won’t be broken up or disappointed too much if they aren’t.

Unless a woman is seriously in love with you, you have to regard the relationship as a passing thing. You will get tired of her, or she will get tired of you. Concentrate on enjoying life, and enjoying women as they come and go.

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My Experience With Sex Surrogacy

October 23, 2010

A couple of commenters have asked me to relate this experience. This was just about 20 years ago so one, various things may have changed since then, and two, a few details may have slipped my mind- I am getting old.

But first, my first attempt at sex. When I was 26 or 27 I decided to go to a prostitute to end my virginity. I was living in southern California at the time so I made a trip to Tijuana. With much embarrassment I bought some condoms at the drug and discount store, as they were called then, as if anybody cared I was buying condoms. I parked my car on the American side, walked across, and went downtown. Until recently Tijuana or the equivalent border towns were an excellent value for paid sex, if you lived within driving distance of the border- prostitution is legal and cheap. Today is a different story. I don’t know if Tijuana is as bad as the eastern part of Mexico but anywhere in Mexico is probably bad news. If you want to try this carefully check out the situation before you go.

I found a bar/strip club with a few women hanging around. One was pretty cute but not making eye contact with me. Another was OK looking but I wasn’t that interested in her. Somebody throws a little wad of paper at me. I look and it’s the second woman. She is making a sex motion with her hands, running a finger in and out of a circle made with the thumb and forefinger of her other hand. I look away but she comes up to me. I decide to go for it so we leave the bar, go next door, and I pay something like $10 for the room to a guy at a gate, who lets us in and we go upstairs. She asked for the money then, it was something like $25. I pay her and we take off our clothes. She was an actual woman, closing in on middle age, who looked like she had had a kid. She didn’t look like the women in Playboy, so I was a little disappointed. And I was kind of freaked out by the whole thing anyway. As an older guy who actually has experienced a little of life and sex, I would do her with gusto now. She was very nice.

She starts sucking me but I’m not really getting hard. I tried putting a condom on but again I’m not getting hard. I tried inserting but it wasn’t happening. She asked me if I had ever been with “a girl like me” before, and I told her no, I had never had sex before. We gave up shortly after, put our clothes on and went downstairs. She kissed me on the cheek and we went our separate ways.

So I would not recommend a prostitute for a first time. If you’re nervous and inhibited, you’re not going to have the time to relax.

A couple years later I was feeling very disturbed sexually. I had read about sex surrogacy and thought that might be the answer. I looked in the yellow pages and indeed there was a sex therapist offering surrogate therapy in the area. I called and made an appointment, and I explained my problem was I had never had sex before.

The therapist was a relatively young guy. I talked to him and he explained each session would be two hours. I would talk to him first about what I would be doing, then spend an hour with the surrogate, then talk with him and the surrogate about what we had done. I was required to take and HIV test and bring the results but no condoms were involved.

I came back a few days or a week later and he introduced me to the surrogate, a Filipino woman. The program was a gradual process, starting with just touching with clothes on and only getting to intercourse at the end. I went with the surrogate to the other room. It had a mattress with sheets on the floor. I started crying. She comforted me a little, but then asked me “Are you going to be able to do this?” and I took the hint I needed to stop. The first session was she spent some time just running her fingers over my face, then I did the same to her. The next was touching feet. The next I think we got naked and did backrubs. This was not cheap- I was paying $200 a session, out of my own pocket or credit cards, not covered by insurance- but I was getting comfortable with sex and contact.

We got to the genitals and she showed me the parts and function of the female anatomy. I learned cunnilingus and stimulating the clitoris and G-spot with a finger. I got quite good at it, she had an orgasm and said “I got your face all wet!” I enjoyed it a lot then but haven’t felt the urge to perform orally on a woman for a long time.

They told me I was going to get inside her, but at a time of her choosing. They had something they called a “quick dip”- she gets on top of you, inserts your erect penis into herself to check you can do it and nothing happens, and then quickly gets off. I remember her getting on top of me and her straight, shoulder-length hair brushing against my face. That was erotic. Then she put my penis inside her vagina, and I wasn’t that impressed. “Is that what all the fuss is about?” I asked myself. Remembering it now it was wonderful. It was tight, deliciously warm, and to my surprise rough.

As an aside, that’s why I hate condoms. You feel none of that with a condom, except a little pressure. If there is one reason we have to hate gays, it’s because they got everybody convinced you have to always wear a condom or you’re going to die. Actually, no. Men having anal sex need to use condoms. Otherwise you don’t.

I had full intercourse with her the next time, I think, but couldn’t come. They switched me over to another surrogate for what they called “validation”, or seeing if everything worked with another woman. She was a nice-looking, fair-skinned Latina, and we hit it off great. I ate her out and she loved it, we had intercourse but I couldn’t come. Still that has been one of the best sexual experiences of my life. The next week I came back. I wanted to try it with a condom on. I made some positive mention of the small amount of fat on her body and she pouted. I couldn’t come this time either. She was curt in the debrief, still hurt, and left. I still feel bad about that. One is constantly reminded how sensitive women are.

So I learned how to have sex with a woman and do it pretty well. The problem of not being able to reach orgasm has continued to bother me. The reason I recommend this for guys with no sexual experience is I think if you are trying to get with a woman, the fear of what is going to happen if and when you finally get her naked is always there.


Some Books

October 20, 2010

A while back I read a review of “Matterhorn”, a Vietnam novel by Karl Marlantes, in the Financial Times. It was generally highly regarded so I got it and read it. Briefly it is a great book ruined by a bad ending. At the same time I got “War” by Sebastian Junger, his story of his time with an infantry platoon in Afghanistan. These got me interested in other Vietnam novels so I tracked down “The 13th Valley” by John Del Vecchio.

“Matterhorn” is very personal and sentimental. Marlantes loves his characters and makes you love them. He skips over the politics of the war, mostly, other than showing a moderate-liberal “wasn’t it a damn shame” attitude. He writes with some perceptivity about the battalion officers and staff, a subject not well addressed. But again the ending is totally off.

“War” is of course non-fiction and pretty brutal. I haven’t read any other books by embedded journalists so I can’t compare but Junger seems to be much more in touch with the ethos of these men- he’s highly conditioned and walks with them pretty much everywhere- and is as sympathetic as a magazine writer who lives in Manhattan can be expected to be. If you want to know what it’s like in Afghanistan, this is the book.

“The 13th Valley” is harder for me to get my head around. Del Vecchio was like Marlantes in Vietnam; but while Marlantes was an infantry officer Del Vecchio was an Army correspondent, and so while wearing a uniform and getting shot at, fundamentally an observer and an outsider. And Del Vecchio writes like an outsider, casting a pretty cynical eye on everything. The main character, who might be presumed to be his stand-in, is James Chelini, a suburban college boy and wireman who reports to the 101st Airborne and finds himself in an infantry company as a rifleman. Immediately dubbed “Cherry”, and called that even after he quickly becomes a hardened fighter, he is not entirely sympathetic, less so than many other characters.

The most questionable device of “The 13th Valley” is how the author covers the philosophical and political issues of Vietnam and war in general by having the soldiers engage in long, detailed discussions. Some have criticized this as unrealistic. Del Vecchio has a minor character, a combat correspondent like he was, point out early in the book that the soldiers serving in Vietnam were actually quite educated. Soldiers do spend large amounts of time just sitting around talking, and they do talk about such topics.

“The 13th Valley” talks about the questions at length, comes up with some answers but implies no one is going to listen. It’s a disturbing book and has stuck with me much more than “Matterhorn” or “War”.


More Hooking Up

October 20, 2010

I had a meet with the craigslist hookup for Friday afternoon,  but she had to cancel. I told her I’d call her on Monday. I checked the email account I use to troll for hoes late Sunday night, but not before I had choked the chicken.

She again gave her regrets for Friday and said she could see me Monday afternoon or Friday afternoon. I have been avoiding jerking off a day or two before seeing her to try to improve my sexual performance, but I didn’t want to wait until Friday. So I called her and told her I’d come over.

I have used Viagra in the past to overcome the erection-killing effects of condoms, but I have been trying to get to where I can have intercourse with a condom on, orgasm, without any ED drug. I had not actually successfully penetrated her and I was getting tired of it so I took half a 100mg Viagra. I got some LifeStyles Ultra Thin condoms and went over.

Long story short it still wasn’t working. Without the condom on, erection, put it on, the erection dies before I can get inside her and won’t come back. It’s got me pretty discouraged.

I talked to my friend about this. He gets a fair amount of sex, but mostly from fairly unattractive women. He said sometimes the little man in his brain says “No, I’m not going to do this” when he’s with an ugly woman, and it pisses him off, but there’s nothing to be done. He says I need to find a better-looking hookup.

I have been meeting various other women off the internet, mostly a few years older. I took one to dinner Friday night; she is a little shy but I’m sure she wants to go for it. I’m meeting another tomorrow who seems pretty eager. I think I won’t know how it will go until I actually have sex with them; but my friend is probably right, you may intellectually want to have sex with an ugly woman, but if your brain says no, it won’t happen.

One thing I have noticed about guys who get a lot of sex is that usually they will have sex with anything- they may get hot women, but if there is not hot woman at hand they will do an undesirable one. I suspect guys who get a lot of sex typically have a high level of testosterone, and this trumps money, looks, game, or anything else. And also allows a guy to have sex with unattractive women.

So I’m going to keep working on this.


The Death of the Pickup Artist

October 9, 2010

This has been making the rounds-

http://www.robjudge.net/2010/10/the-death-of-the-pickup-artist-a-eulogy/

Being terminally shy I never wanted to make any cold approaches as a young man. I had friends though who wanted to and they dragged me along. Of the ones I remember, they were mostly pretty awful. This thing game promoters blithely refer to as the “bitch shield” is a serious thing. Getting a negative, hostile person to respond positively to you is a big barrier to cross. There are people who make a good living doing this but they are few and far between.

I think this stuff has to be organic, or, as the PUAs like to say, “congruent”- it has to fit with your overall personality and mood. “Just being yourself” is hardly the answer- but you have to be some version of yourself, the best version, the most relaxed and breezy version.

At the end of “The Game” Strauss relates a time he goes out to a bar in Hollywood, tries a variety of openers and finds all the women are completely familiar with them, they can finish his sentences. The women, or the venues, or the neighborhood has been burned out. Not surprising, since if you run numerous boot camps within a short walking distance the word is going to get around, even in a large anonymous city with a lot of turnover.

This is now a part of popular culture, “featured” as they say on VH-1, so women are going to be familiar with it. Particularly women who spend any time in bars.

Why bars and nightclubs are promoted for this I don’t know. True people from 21 to 25 do hook up there. But it’s the most brutal environment possible, and unless you are an experienced player with a pimp’s heart you are going to get worked over there. If you are you still face the problems outlined by Assanova and will do worse than you would elsewhere.

Going back to Susan Walsh’s post on rejection, rejection is not, as her pop psychologists tell you, helpful. Our central nervous systems are hard-wired against this. There are exceptions, but while you need to take risks, and suffer some rejection and failure, but only in small, manageable doses. If you’re in a low state a bad experience can fuck you up for a long time.


Condolences to Assanova

October 8, 2010

If you read The Real Assanova’s blog- which I strongly recommend, as it has the most useful and realistic advice for men of all levels of status and experience- you know he suffered a serious loss recently-

http://www.realassanova.com/2010/10/few-more-weeks.html

My condolences to Assanova. I really don’t know what to say, as this is the most serious loss a person can experience. You expect to see your parents go, and many of your peers- my dad’s social life revolves around the funerals of his high school classmates- but your children should outlast you, and produce children who will outlast them. I once witnessed a father retrieving the body of his son, who had died in a car accident in another country. I don’t think I will see anything as sad as long as I live.

Unfortunately loss is a big part of life. All of us, or most of us, lose our youthful hopes and dreams, then our youth, friendships, relationships, jobs, money and investments, and eventually probably our middle-aged hopes and dreams. This is all in the natural order of things. Some of us lose our innocence too young, our faith and trust in humanity, our dignity and the integrity of our persons.

For a lot of people life doesn’t offer a lot. Do I counsel despair? No. We can only take the good we can get out of life on a daily basis, enjoy what we can, remember the good times, and try to put the bad in some kind of perspective.

My biggest regret is my relationship with my mother. She was a cold, neurotic religious fanatic, and she blamed me for the bad things that happened to me. I didn’t see her when she died- when I left she was out of it and not expected to live more than a week, then she had a recovery for a while. I talked to her on the phone a few times but I didn’t go back- I felt I needed to move on with my life and I didn’t want to miss out on the training I was in. Should I have gone back? Should I have patched things up with her earlier? I was just a kid, and I had to get by the best I knew how. She was an adult, and as constricted as she was I think she had to take more responsibility than she did.

I had a great ride the other day. The sun was shining and I had a beautiful day up in the mountains. Today was cold and cloudy, tomorrow it rains. Next week I will probably go interview for a job I will probably hate.

Take what you can and enjoy it, today, because nobody know what tomorrow holds.


Working Up to Cold Approaches

October 8, 2010

Susan Walsh has a post on rejection-

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/10/07/relationshipstrategies/how-rejection-can-make-you-more-successful-at-everything/

I would like to talk about this more, but here is my comment-

“What really sucks is being rejected without ever having been asked to be accepted in the first place. I would loved to have just been ignored from the ages of about 11 to 15.

You have to find a way to frame rejection that makes it possible to try again. Have something going with at least a couple others so one can’t  hurt you too much.

I suspect trying something new, you are highly likely to fail and be rejected. Meeting women from online sites after not having done it for a long time, I have found that at first they have a pretty negative reaction to me, because I come across pretty uptight. After the first two I seem to loosen up.

I plan to try cold approaches, but I want to have a couple sex buddies first, as confidence backstops.”

Indeed the key to not getting hurt by rejection is by having somebody who’s not rejecting you. That’s the key to not being needy, and not caring.

I saw a few women today I wanted to approach, but I still need to work up to that. Having one woman very sexually gratified helps boost my confidence, but I’d like to get the ball rolling a little more strongly.