Stupid, Unhelpful Buzzwords

September 27, 2010

I was listening to the Neil Strauss webcast yesterday and he gets into “people who don’t like others usually don’t like themselves, so it’s a self-esteem issue.”

Neil Strauss is an intelligent, thoughtful man but it seems even he is prey to buzzwords. The idea that people who don’t like others don’t like themselves is a cliché. I guess the idea of discovering that any socially inconvenient thoughts or behavior actually reveal a defect in the subject. Applying Occam’s Razor, people who don’t like other people probably have some reason for it, which (gasp!) might actually be rational.

I don’t like other people because I have had a lot of bad experiences with them. The omega reader will probably have the same attitude, being the bottom monkey in the tree and getting the crap of all the other monkeys and looking up and seeing their assholes.

If you are rich and powerful you will tend to like people as they are kissing your ass all the time. On the other hand you will probably be suspicious of this, since if you have the social perceptiveness to be rich and powerful you should realize many are insincere and resent this. If you are on the bottom of the totem pole, most people will be indifferent to you at best, but you know those who are nice mean it. On the other hand they may be patronizing you and you may resent that.

The problem as a low status individual is finding the relatively few worthwhile, quality individuals you actually want to relate to. I’m trying to find a way to do this in the least painful way possible.

In his blog, Scott Adams whips out the terms “winners” and “losers”. These are terms that became popular in the 70’s and I hate them. “Winners” are just socially approved people and “losers” are socially disapproved. The irony is that his beloved cartoon character, Dilbert, is clearly a loser. He has no status and is pushed around by his idiot boss, the pointy-haired guy, who is clearly a winner.

Remember that most of what passes for psychology these days is like medicine in the 1800’s- mostly useless, occasionally harmful, and probably not worth bothering with. This applies especially to “self-help” and pop psychology especially.


Another Craigslist Hookup- Warning Graphic

September 24, 2010

Regular readers may remember my disastrous craigslist hookup from last December. I have made other attempts at that but didn’t get anything going until this week.

I put up my own ad, without a picture; replying to ads is pretty much a waste of time as the ones that aren’t bots designed to collect email addresses get at least 50 responses, for average women or worse, God knows how may for hot women (which are most likely to be bots anyway.) I posted under “casual encounters” for “NSA (no strings attached.)” I get a response, I send her my picture, but I didn’t get hers.

I met her Monday  afternoon. I suggested one place; she looked it up and told me it was closed Monday, so I told her to meet me at a place a couple doors down. She had described herself as very short, chubby, with glasses.

She shows up late and she’s as described, more or less, sort of cute in a funny looking way. We get some coffee and sit down on a couch; this turned out to be a stroke of luck, as the other place only has hard chairs and tables. We chit chat a bit; I remember this is not a date, we are meeting for casual sex, so after a few minutes I put out my hand to hers, and ask her if it’s OK to touch her. After a little bit of hand stroking I pull her up next to me and we cuddle a bit.

We are still talking a bit, and I describe my employment situation as “between contracts” (i.e. unemployed) and staying with friends, as I have just got back into town (i.e. living with my dad.) I see her working this over furiously in her brain; looking quizzical, nodding, and eventually deciding, yeah, I guess I can live with that, as she didn’t deescalate and leave. We kissed some, I furtively groped her, but we had to keep it a bit cool as we were in a coffee shop by a picture window, not in a dark booth in a bar. She told me she had the week off although she still needed to do a few work related things.

I ended our session, and we parted ways outside. I told her I’d call her the next day.

She sent me a very nice email saying how much she’d enjoyed herself, and mentioned various other disastrous meetings. I do at least have manners and a certain amount of savoir faire.

So, at this point it appears I’m good to go. My big problem with having sex with a woman for the first time is anxiety; and as you can read in my previous hookup post, not even ED drugs overcome this. Anxiety must be confronted; I decide I’m going to meet her at her apartment, but plan on just groping like we did in the coffee shop, only with less clothes on.

I called her the next day about noon, and arranged to meet about 1:30; I told her I needed to see somebody at 4 to establish a time limit. I go over. She told me she had a cat, and I was afraid the place might smell bad, but it was fine. We settle on the couch and pick up where we left off. After awhile I say let’s take our shirts off; she says just shirts? and I tell her whatever she’s comfortable with, so she takes her bra off too. We keep at it, she straddles me, and asks me if I want a massage. She works on my neck for a while and then says it would be better if I would lie down.

All this time my mind is racing. It occurred to me my mind is my biggest enemy; it’s my biggest source of pride, as one of the few things I’m fairly confident of is my intelligence, and yet the thoughts I think also fuck me up and cause all kinds of problems.

Was the suggestion we go to the bedroom her escalation? I suppose so, but I was just going to go with the flow, do what I wanted, and not worry about what happened. She massaged me awhile there, and then I move us into a normal position for more groping.

I’m not getting much of an erection at this point, but again not worrying about it. I get my had to her crotch, caress her clit a bit, and then go inside for the G-spot. I worked her over good and she was going crazy for a long while. Eventually my finger tired and I stopped.

She had her hand on my dick the whole time and starts to work on it a little more, and it’s getting harder. I ask for some lube and she goes to work with that. I close my eyes and think about some other woman doing it, and I’m really getting off. It gets very intense,  I come, but she keeps going and I have to tell her to stop, out of a combination of excessive pleasure and discomfort.

It’s getting very close to 4, so she gets me a towel and after cleaning up I put on my clothes and head out. I thanked her for a very enjoyable time and suggested we get together later in the week.

It had gone farther than I had planned, but not all the way to intercourse, which I’m still nervous about. I don’t think I can maintain an erection with a condom on, even with ED drugs; but I have to recondition my body to respond differently. (Christine O’Donnell is right, masturbation is bad for you.) It’s a low-risk way of practicing so the only thing to do is decide how long I want to wait to try it again.

As Assanova says, nightclubs undervalue men; online contact way undervalues men. If I was employed and any kind of game I would be doing way better than this. But I have crippling approach anxiety which I have to deal with somehow.

“Crumb”, the R. Crumb Documentary

September 22, 2010

I finally watched this. All the brothers had artistic talent; all could have made some kind of  a living as artists of some kind, but only Robert succeeded. This isn’t a story of garden-variety dysfunction and disappointment; Charles and Maxon were both pretty seriously mentally ill, and completely non-functioning adults.

The comparison to George Sodini is poor; he functioned pretty normally in society and had a mentally demanding job, but ended in murder-suicide due to his personal frustrations. Charles and Maxon were chronically mentally ill and unemployed and don’t seem to have had much everyday cognitive functioning. Robert’s success in life can’t be attributed to fame and fortune; before he became famous he was married, had a kid and worked at a greeting card company, the kind of ordinary work most artists do.

The Crumb family simply seems to have been a fertile breeding ground for mental illness; his mother’s amphetamine addiction being both a cause and symptom. What was going on with his father I can’t say, but if he was involved in combat in the war that is probably a big part of it. There was a lot of combat-induced mental illness among World War II veterans, but it was mostly ignored.

Not everything can be looked at through the prism of social behavior provided by game; some things can’t be fixed, and they can barely even be lived with. R. Crumb dodged a bullet in his family, his brothers weren’t so lucky.

The New Ride

September 19, 2010


The new ride


Nice, huh? Omega Man rides beat chicks but only sweet bikes.

George Sodini vs. R. Crumb

September 14, 2010

Stumbling around the internet I ran into this blog post, discussing the history of underground cartoonist R. Crumb and comparing it to that of the late George Sodini-

The writer pegs Sodini’s meltdown to his inability to distinguish himself in some way to make him attractive enough to women to overcome his omega characteristics, as R. Crumb did with his artistry.

I disagree. I have known more guys like this, and I don’t think if Sodini had had a better job and made more money he would have done any better. His fundamental problem was the inability to deal with the existential facts of his life, which he felt condemned him irretrievably.

The bullying to which Crumb’s brother was subjected is significant. Functional nerds have weird interests and limited social skills but don’t have the rage, hatred and fear that violent humiliation create. Unfortunately this isn’t regarded as a social problem- it’s actually thought to be amusing.

An example of this is an episode of “The Simpsons” where Lisa discovers a smell that nerds emit that evokes aggressive behavior from bullies. (It’s really their fault, see? They provoke it.) The bully, a large girl, is regarded as comical; the victims are regarded with malicious contempt. Child abuse by adults is regarded as a really bad thing; child abuse by other children is regarded as a moral failure by the victim. 

I understand there are practical reasons for this; adults can’t supervise children all the time,and children must learn to deal with a variety of behavior as part of the socialization process. The problem is some children are larger, stronger, and more inclined to violence than others, and can’t be dealt with by communication or negotiation of any kind. And recognizing that fact, adults who supervise children such as teachers say “Too bad.”

Most kids get by one way or another. Unfortunately this leaves a few particularly vulnerable ones to suffer real harm. I haven’t found much of the way of answers for this. Nobody cares. I don’t think psychology or psychiatry have any real answers for this, beyond a certain degree of palliation. The closest I can come by is from Aphrodite Matsakis, a clinical psychologist who worked on PTSD for the Veterans Administration. She wrote a book about PTSD called “I Can’t Get Over It” which includes many helpful exercises. In it she says “Living well is the best, and probably only, revenge.”

If you come from an environment such as this, and have adapted in this way, it’s important to avoid turning too inward. Exercising and doing physical things outside- which don’t need to be expensive or complicated, just walking is good- relieve stress in a way watching TV, reading books or the internet, other kinds of interaction on the internet or playing video games don’t. It just occurred to me being outside is a trigger for a lot of people- “I might easily run into a bully out here.”

I’ve got the Crumb documentary in my Netflix queue and I’ll be interested to see the whole story. Apparently Crumb’s success with women that came after fame didn’t decrease his bitterness, but only increased it. He was never able to trust or love anybody. That’s a place I’d like to get to, and I may yet.

In the meantime I’m getting a pretty sweet motorcycle in a couple of days and hopefully will be able to do some nice fall riding.


September 9, 2010

There is a quaint myth that if you stand up to a bully, they will back down and not fuck with you anymore and you will win the love and respect of all. Hey, that’s what happened in “Back to the Future”! In reality, maybe, or maybe they will beat the crap out of you and everybody will think you’re a loser.

But maybe you have to do it anyway. My retarded boss couldn’t cope with me insisting on doing things the legal, safe, professional way so he found somebody who I suppose will grovel and kiss his ass. Diplomacy and patience are not my strong points but dealing with a slow 8-year old with ADD in an old man’s body will put anyone to the test. The other guy who works for him seems to just let him do whatever he wants; I don’t roll like that.

Not a good time to be out of a job but I will just have to get hustling.