A Secret That Is Not A Secret

The Real Assanova talks about the real secret of attraction, which of course is not really a secret at all-


I like reading The Real Assanova because while he’s very successful with women, he talks about stuff that any guy can benefit from. Now, right off the bat this looks like Advice Everybody Gives You That Is Useless. Women like guys who don’t need them! Who don’t care! But I need and I care so how the hell do I apply this golden knowledge?

The Real Assanova declines to clue us in. He tells us you have to figure it out by yourself, sort of like Dorothy in Oz. This is true but I’ll offer my musings anyway.

I think about George Sodini every once in a while. On the face of it, he really didn’t have it so bad. He had a decent job. He was decent looking and in good shape. He wasn’t severely ill, handicapped physically or mentally, or deformed. Women or no he could have led a life of reasonable quality, probably lonely, but with freedom, privacy, and certain pleasures.

But he suffered terribly from a belief he had- not from any lack, need, or deficiency, but from a belief. It’s important to make this distinction.

Sodini’s problems, from the note he left, came from his family of origin. He had terrible trouble with his mother and older brother. Normally, all these wonderful things people value so much like confidence and healthy self-love come from a healthy, loving family and a healthy childhood environment. The pop psychologists will tell you if you just buy their book or maybe spend a few months with a therapist everything will be just great, and if not it’s because you want to be miserable or are bad in some other way. Sodini had some books and tapes by Louise Hay, a really rotten and destructive snake oil salesman of this type.

The truth is there is no magic cure, and maybe no cure at all, for these kinds of torments. Sodini, however, was pretty sure he knew what would make it all go away, and provide him with a lifetime of happiness- a relationship with a woman. He couldn’t obtain this, and believed not only was he sentenced to a lifetime of misery but this meant he was a bad person.

He’s hardly alone in this. Plenty of guys think this, that do have relationships with women, and find they aren’t happy. They figure if only they can find the right woman they will be happy. Maybe she’s better looking, or more empathetic, or has more common interests, but there is some better woman out there who can provide happiness. If none of the previous relationships worked there’s always another chance.

Actually women are more prone to this kind of thinking but men too are hypergamous. I’m guessing the typical guy studying game can get some kind of a woman, but wants a better one, in the same way a guy with an old Chevy always has his eye on a BMW. After all women are the ultimate status symbols for guys. You’d rather have a hot woman than anything material.

In any case whether you’re looking for a woman to provide emotional succor, personal validation, or social status you are likely to be disappointed. A woman is a person with a vagina and breasts. Relationships with other human beings can be enjoyable and make us happy to a certain extent, but they are not magic.

Ask yourself “If I was to never have a girlfriend or wife the rest of my life how would I live?” Killing yourself and/or others is an option but I don’t think most would go there. You would still need to work, or course, and keep your finances straight, and save and invest for retirement. You would need to take care of your health, appearance, and personal hygiene. You would need to wear decent clothes and groom yourself well, if not for a woman only for your personal dignity. You would need to have enjoyable, relaxing activities, hobbies or pastimes. You should have some friends. Hopefully you would maintain some kind of happiness and positive attitude toward your life, despite its lack of some of the things you had hoped for.

Because you know what lots of people don’t have sex and don’t have relationships, for whatever reasons. Such a person can either give up and go to crap, or maintain themselves. Roissy calls celibacy a living death; but if you approach a woman with the attitude “I need you to save me from a living death” I’m pretty sure she will sense it and not like it.

TRA puts it in terms of sex but I think the problem for most guys is other kinds of neediness- for comfort, validation, status, or what have you.

But if you take good care of yourself, and you’re making the most of life on the terms as it is presented to you, and you enjoy yourself and are happy some of the time, women that you meet will be much more interested in being around you and providing with additional enjoyment. Please note I’m being realistic here. You may have been dealt a poor hand, and you aren’t going to have the same opportunities as someone who was more fortunate. All you can do is the best you can, or try to, so do that and don’t worry.

This is my view of things, based on my life and experience. It may not be wise, insightful, or profound, but I think it’s pretty good advice all the same. But you know what? I think it is horribly disappointing for many men.

Because for a lot of guys life is a quest to prove something. Women are only one example. “I have a beautiful woman who loves me, so I’m really a good person.” Or “I made a bunch of money, so I’m really a good person.” Or “I not only got into medical school, I got the residency I wanted, so I’m really a good person.” Or “I won the top prize, so I’m really a good person.” The list is endless.

But none of this stuff works. They are all games, fun to play, fun to win, but just games.

It’s a cliche to say the answer lies within but it’s true. If you have a bad relationship with a 6 you are going to have a bad relationship with an 8. If making a million dollars doesn’t make you happy making ten million dollars won’t either. Ad nauseum.

You are unlikely to get anything out of another person you don’t offer yourself. Women are not your mother and they are not Santa Claus, and just like anybody else if you have realistic expectations about what you can get you are less likely to be disappointed.

6 Responses to A Secret That Is Not A Secret

  1. What would you consider realistic expectations toward women?

  2. Bob Smith says:

    Now, right off the bat this looks like Advice Everybody Gives You That Is Useless. Women like guys who don’t need them! Who don’t care! But I need and I care so how the hell do I apply this golden knowledge?

    Assanova claims to be tall and good looking. How should one apply his strategy when you aren’t? It’s difficult to discern why any woman would care if an unattractive man “didn’t need her”, when she probably wouldn’t notice him in her field of vision in the first place.

  3. Ulysses says:

    Fantastic post, Omega Man. I especially like the closing paragraph. As trite as it sounds, happiness does come from within.

  4. Clarence says:

    Bob Smith:

    What is attractive in a guy in terms of looks varies from girl to girl but it really IS true that if you aren’t at the quasimodo level of physical attractiveness your looks have less to do than you’d think and your attitude far more.

    A fat nerd guy with glasses gains in attractiveness to most women if he is smiling and having fun or confidently expounding on some subject or the other he is interested in or knows alot about.

    Your looks you can do only a limited bit about. Small amounts of plastic surgery or tooth repair. You can lose weight. And heck, even if you don’t lose weight or straighten your asymetrical nose or something, you can still keep yourself clean and learn a bit about fashion. For example fat men should avoid turtlenecks and shirts that are very tight or have horizontal striped patterns on them.

    No, if you are of below average looks chances are you will never be considered a hunk even if you straighten your nose, lose the weight etc. You might go up a point or two though but that’s it.

    But so what? Women do not judge men nearly as harshly on looks as men judge women. Stop worrying about things and putting obstacles in your own path. Wear decent styles (even if cheap clothing), keep yourself clean and get in *decent* shape. Those things will benefit you even if you never give a woman a How-to-Do. Focus on living your life for yourself and getting what you want out of life.

    If you then decide to bring women into it, you don’t have to run asshole game or dress in funny clothes,hit the clubs and on girls ten years younger than you, while busting moves that make everyone there jealous. Instead you could join some clubs, learn enough pickup (very basic stuff and I recommend books on just how to talk and/or flirt with people) to get comfortable talking with girls in your now widened social circle. If you do decide to go full-bore into game you could do “daygame” which is more natural in some ways then trying to pickup chicks in clubs. Or you could hang around bars, learn a little game, and skim off the moderately attractive but half drunk ones. Lastly, you could pay for a sexual encounter.

    Women do not have the power to define your life. Only you have that power, no matter what fate throws your way.

  5. […] Man – “A Secret That is Not a Secret“, “Blogroll Addition; and, the Topic of Comfort Zones“, “The Zen of […]

  6. Niko says:

    Super post Omegaman. Been reading ‘Bounce, How Champions are Made’ its a perfomance book by an ex table tennis champion and has nothing to do with game.

    With the aid of performance specialists he observed champions from all fields, chess, tennis, football, music, track and field, captains of industry etc.

    The striking realization that he made (with an abundance of evidence) was that their was no such thing as ‘talent’ or naturals.

    It all boiled down to two thing, purposeful practice (specifically 10000 hours) and having a ‘growth mind set’ over a ‘fixed mindset.

    People with a preconceived notion of ability or talent were invariably destined to stop progressing.

    Sorry to waffle but its clear you have changed your mindset,…..now I’m off to do the same….

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