Gratuitous cheesy music video-
What is love? I’m not sure I know what it is, but I’m learning a little more what it is not.
My mother was a very rigid religious fanatic. The idea of being a mother was a big deal to her; she told me once, in tears, that she had wanted four children, but that was not God’s plan for her. I know she had two miscarriages; one was after my birth, the other might have been after or before me, I’m not sure. My older sister had a better experience with her; my brother isn’t inclined to talk about it much but I think he feels bitter about the expectations placed on him.
I had a lot of problems that she could have and should have helped me with, but she didn’t. All the standard rationalizations apply- she had her own problems, she didn’t know what was going on with me, she did the best she could, etc. My inclination is not to buy this. She was the adult, she was the parent, she had the responsibility. I’m supposed to forgive her, but I don’t.
In any case I realize I have this hole in my life I have been trying to find a woman to fill. But asking a woman to provide you with the love your mother didn’t is probably an impossible request. I’m pretty old. I probably should have given up on this a long time ago. It’s easy to tell somebody to let go of the past. Holding on is painful; letting go is painful. Which is more painful? I won’t tell anybody what to do with this one. I won’t tell anybody not to be angry, either.
Whether I expect to get this need met affects the relationship I have with any given woman. If I still hope she can fill this hole in my heart, the relationship has a lot of value. If not, then the relationship defaults to something else- the sort of equal relationship the beta wants or the alpha stable, loving long-term relationship, which Athol Kay describes as captain-first mate, or in another version that occurs to me, big brother-little sister. (Kind of creepy? Not as creepy as father-daughter. Relationships can have a kind of incestuous quality without being too creepy.)
So if a woman can’t meet either of these needs, if she can only be your first mate or little sister, well, is she worth it? For this type of a role she has to be hotter, sweeter, and more submissive.
I think a lot of relationships have a man who has unrealistic ideas about what the woman can provide him with, and come to grief just on this. I guess this is one of the pretty lies that Roissy talks about dying.
You can’t be a man and be foolish, unrealistic and soft-hearted. But can you be a man and just be hard-hearted? I’m not sure if this is what is meant by “tragic”- I remember from the gifted English class in high school it has a very specific definition, but then Mrs. Pyle can go screw herself. It takes a lot of strength to let go of something- to take one look back, then continue on, and keep just the right amount of it in your heart.
I figured today was the day to do that, but I don’t know if I’m there yet.