More On “Let’s Talk About Sex”

January 22, 2010

I decided I needed to do something to improve my ability to perform next time I had the opportunity to have sex, whenever that may be. I went to a sex toy store and got something called a “Fleshlight” which can also be purchased at I have tried similar products in the past but I think they were too tight or the material was not as good. I transitioned over to using this to masturbate; at first I couldn’t maintain an erection for very long, let alone have an orgasm but I got used to it after a while. I think I still have performance anxiety and sexual shame problems but I think this should help a lot.

I googled the email handle of the woman I had this experience with. She has a few rather plaintive personal ads up. She is insecure about her appearance, which is kind of silly because while she’s not a model she’s plenty cute and sexy enough for normal purposes. I emailed her once the next day implying the second time would go better, and got no response; I emailed her again about two weeks later and got “no thank you.” OK, I had my shot and I blew it.

Obsidian On Anger

January 22, 2010

Obisdian talks about anger in the game/PUA community-

There is a distinction to be made here, however, since this anger is really concentrated in the men’s rights activist (MRA) and “men go their own way” (MGTOW) blogs. These overlap to an extent, to the greatest extent in Roissy, as Obsidian points out.

What you see more of is the sociobiological arguments for game, repeated ad nauseum in many game/PUA venues. To me these are even more angry, cynical, and despairing, even though they are presented with scientific dispassion. Of course there is a lot of truth to these as they describe some basic forces of human nature. But, at the same time, humans are not chimpanzees.

As the saying goes, “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” As I have said if you are on the top of the totem pole you are inclined to think things are just fine, and if you are on the bottom you are inclined to think they are bad and unfair.

Allow me to share. I was in 6th grade, the first few days at a new school. Recess was ending, and for some reason one of two girls yelled something at me, so I yelled something back. They quickly summoned a goon to attack me. I don’t think the goon had any prior relationship with the girls- they were white and he was Mexican, and at that time and place the groups didn’t mix much (not that they do now I imagine.) But they wanted him to hurt somebody for him and he was happy to oblige.

So you have a social system of dominance and aggression by males in which females are invested as it benefits them. People on the top of the system don’t have to worry about random violence for getting out of line or just existing. I’m sure natural alphas all fall in this category. They have social acceptance and approval, have sex at an early age and with  a fair number of women, and would consider reading a book or taking a course on how to be successful with women really dumb. These guys aren’t angry because they have no reason to be.

Lower ranking males will have less ability with women, more restrictive socialization in terms of “appropriate” behavior with women, less experience and more failures. They aren’t failures or losers by any means; but they look at the alphas and envy what they have. These are who you properly call “betas.” And, if there is a lot of anger within the game/PUA community it is here. These guys may apply game and become more successful with women but they never gain the natural ease and sense of superiority natural alphas have and they always resent that.

Guys have two fears about game- that it doesn’t work, in which case it’s a scam, or it does work, in which case much of what they were taught about human nature in general and women in particular was bullshit, and women are really bitches who love assholes. If you have gained the dream of having sex with more women, but lost the dream of having the kind of relationship with a woman your parents and your church taught you, you should have you have probably suffered a net loss.

The overall most frustrated and miserable guys are those at the bottom, who don’t have sex in high school or possibly college. Are they angry? I’m an extremely angry person but I’m only angry at people who have actually screwed me personally. The anger at society in general in the MRA blogs I find pretty pointless and I have said so repeatedly.

To the extent PUAs are angry it’s not really at women, it’s at their station in life. It must be great to be cool, popular, have sex for the first time at 12 and have a lot of sex in high school, while being a star athlete or a standout in some other way. Fate is generous with some. Watching a woman melt for a guy like this hurts. But you can only play the cards you are dealt.

Positive emotions are meant to last for a long time, but negative emotions are meant to be fleeting. They should do their job and leave. Anger is meant to inspire action; to the extent it does that it’s good.

Roissy subtitles his blog “where pretty lies perish.” How do you feel when you realize you’ve been lied to? Angry! But society is built on a certain number of illusions- the truth is harsh and most people can’t handle it. Most people lie to you because they have been lied to themselves and they need to keep the lie going for their own sake. Manfully facing up to the truth as best you can is all you can do.

Some Things I Know About Women

January 11, 2010

I wanted to title this “Everything I Know About Women” but I don’t know that I can be that comprehensive today. This is the meat of the matter, all else is detail. 

-First- and this is important- women are only worth a certain amount of grief. Game will improve your ability to get sex and female companionship. Your ultimate success will depend a lot on things outside your control, however, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. As an American I am forbidden to say you are not able to accomplish anything without enough effort and belief but I’m saying it anyway. George Sodini’s primary problem was thinking to be a valid, happy human being he needed a woman to love him. 

Hold to the thought that you want it, but you don’t need it, and you will set limits on what you will do to get it. Put your life and well-being first and take relations with women as a confusing and occasionally frustrating but nonetheless enjoyable adventure, like visiting a country where you don’t speak the language. 

Attitude is not everything, but attitude comes first. Now from extremely broad, or actually existential generalities to merely broad generalities. 

-Women are not exactly irrational, it’s more that they function according to their own internal logic, which while logical is fundamentally emotional. Game is an attempt to codify this; as with any rational system of analysis and classification, it will have nuances, exceptions, ambiguities, and even mysteries not captured in the system. You can’t read a book about most things and perform them competently, even highly rational things- you need to read the manual, then work with it. Women will always do things you don’t completely understand, so try to learn from every experience. But don’t sweat it too much. 

-Closely associated with the first item is the General Rule of interaction with females. Relax, take it easy, be interested, friendly, interesting, but not very interested. You can do nothing with a woman if you are tense or worried. You will probably get tense or worried at times, but if you do just remember to relax. 

Why is relaxation important? One, for your own well-being, the most important thing always. Two, because you are never going to know completely what is going on, it is not helpful. Panic, tension, fear, and other unpleasant emotions serve the simple purpose of getting you to either attack a threat or run from it. Neither is often an appropriate response so these emotions are not helpful in these situations. 

Gavin DeBecker wrote that fear comes from what we perceive as the negative outcomes of the situation. He cites the widely noted fear of public speaking, and points out that looking bad in front of our social group threatens us with loss of respect, employment, esteem, and other things we need to survive. So being terribly afraid of public speaking isn’t really that strange; but one should remember if you give a bad speech, even a really bad speech, all people are probably going to think is you gave a bad speech. You might even get sympathy! 

Fear of interacting with women is thus not that strange but the negative consequences of any encounter are not serious. I will talk more about this later. 

-Women will go through a process of evaluating you; it starts from the moment they lay eyes on you and continues until she goes into the bedroom with you. As I have said previously, most of what you need to do is avoid disqualification. As with job interviewing the first, and by far largest, part of the process is to weed out the unsuitable candidates. You need to avoid fucking up, or as Roissy calls it, Fuckup Avoidance Game. This kind of trivialization is why I write this; what seems idiotically obvious to a guy who got laid at 15 is not at all apparent to a 30-year-old virgin. 

What kind of things are you being evaluated on? Or, more to the point, what kind of things will disqualify you? Again it’s similar to job interviewing. Dress appropriately. Engage in polite small talk as appropriate. Show good behavior with service personnel- the receptionist when you go for a job interview, the waitress on a date. A side note- the concept of social proof applies to any human interaction you have that a woman sees. At a minimum you need to be polite with everyone, especially service personnel; better if they respond positively to you, and it’s great if you can get a laugh. Friendly, joking small talk is generally welcomed because their jobs are boring and most people just want their needs met and show little or no interest in them. You should be interesting but not controversial, show that you have friends and social activities, are not a hermit, have some interesting hobbies, and get along with your family. 

It is important to remember she will proceed at the pace she is comfortable with. She will give you her phone number if and when she feels comfortable; will have coffee with you, go to lunch or dinner with you, go back to your place or her place with you, all at her pace. As long as she accepts dates with you you have not disqualified yourself, or she has not disqualified you. 

A couple of things occur to me. One, things you do to be attractive and interesting to women- being in decent shape, wearing nice clothing, being employed and living in a decent place, having some social activities, interesting hobbies, and having a civil relationship with your family, are things you should do anyway, for your own benefit, and not for women at all. Two, omegas tend to dislike social interaction, often with good reason, however this leads to not being regularly practiced at interacting with people, being a hermit, and having interests that are not commonly shared and may seem strange to the average person. 

-Women will give you signals as to what they want and are ready for. Body language is a simplistic way of describing it. It’s more her overall demeanor. including things like level of muscle tension, tone of voice, degree of closeness to you, and other non-verbal forms of communication. This is the real language of women. I can’t tell you how to read it because I’m at a pretty low level myself. 

-The times I have made progress with women was when I had the time and money to devote to it. You really need both. If you have time but no money, you can spend a lot of time practicing basic interaction and preliminary dating but when she finds out you are unemployed, broke and living with your mother she is going to lose interest. If you are in this situation definitely get as many coffee dates as you can though. If you have a job with insane hours you may have money but you won’t have time, so get a job with better work/life balance. 

I will assume you are doing the best you can to stay employed and make money. The other time issue is time wasters like the internet and video games. These are fine- you need to do things you enjoy, even if they aren’t cool and won’t get you laid- but you need limit the time spent on things like this and increase the amount spent on improving your life and your interactions with women. Make no mistake, this is very time-consuming. The more phone numbers you get, the more dates you go on, and the more women you have sex with, the better you will get.  

“Up In The Air”

January 5, 2010

I saw this movie over the holidays. Kind of sad if you’re a single middle-aged guy who travels for work all the time. But if you look like George Clooney and make a lot of money it’s probably a lot more bearable.

Ryan Bingham revels in having no connections. To him they are just more shit he has to carry. Speaking of which, fitting your whole life in a carry-on is pretty hard to imagine. They don’t even show him with a computer bag. Plus if you are in coach half the time they make you check the carry on anyway, the bastards.

My sister is the kind of caring, sympathetic person who attracts a lot of neurotic dingbats as friends who drag her down with her problems. She is learning to avoid these kinds of entanglements. Be careful that your friends don’t make your life worse, rather than better.

Most people have relationships just for the sake of having relationships- they have friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and the effort of maintaining these relationships is its own reward for them. These relationships provide them with identity. Is that a good way to live? I don’t know. I think quality is more important than quantity, but you need a certain amount of quantity as well.

Male Status Rankings Spoofed On “The Onion”

January 5, 2010

I love “The Onion.” All kinds of funny shit on there, I have it on RSS feed.

The constant use of the terms “alpha” and “beta” seems to have seeped out into the culture in general. Here a number 3 guy is described as a “gamma” male, which is of course strictly speaking correct, since “gamma” is the third letter of the Greek alphabet-

Why game writers always use the term “beta” to describe any behavior they find submissive I don’t understand. Submissive behavior is in itself quite normal and functional most of the time. And for that matter I’m not sure that “alpha” is the best way to describe the kind of behavior that attracts women, since maintaining position on top of a social hierarchy and attracting women aren’t really the same thing. But that’s pretty nerdy of me- outside of animal behavior, the term “alpha male” just means a cool guy.

Many people would envy this guy’s position. After all #3 isn’t too bad, depending on how many there are of course.

Maintaining any kind of position in a social hierarchy is a waste of time unless you’re close to the top. What you need to be is a lone wolf.

Happy New Year

January 1, 2010

Happy New Year.

I’m not feeling terribly optimistic these days. On the bad days you hope things won’t get too much worse, and then they do. On the good days you hope they will stay tha way, and they don’t.

All one can really do is keep trying and keep learning. I have thought about some of my early experiences and I’m surprised and how determined and tenacious I was. I had a lot of desire to overcome and get past the bad times, and I did some things that were pretty impressive. I don’t think a man can live on adrenaline forever though.

Maybe I can’t do it with the same determination I did when I was young, but I can still keep trying. I hope you will too.